When Guilt Bites

Do you often unexpectedly remember things you said or did in the past that make you want to smack yourself or cringe?

It seems like an everyday thing for me. One moment I’ll be whistling a tune (in my mind of course), and the next I’ll have stubbed my metaphorical toe on something that catches me completely off guard. It could be an object, it could be a word (for me it’s words more often than not), or a person's name – something that triggers your inner time machine and send you back to a moment you saw that object or heard that one word – and all those stored feelings come tumbling back out of the cabinet.

It’s not so easy to forget things. Actually, scratch that. It’s impossible to completely forget things. We’ll always one moment think we’ve moved on from the past, only to find ourselves reliving it the next – usually for what seems to us the dumbest reasons. Remembering is just too easy.

I’d wonder if it just means we aren’t supposed to forget. Then I’d wonder what it is I have to do to get rid of the pain, and only frustrate myself thinking of solutions. I don’t think I could go around and talk things out with every person or group of people I’ve ever found myself at odds with or felt stupid around. Chances are with some it wouldn’t do much good anyway.

So what do we do with all this guilt?

It’s true that sometimes being honest with ourselves or putting things into words shows us we were really embarrassed for nothing. Even if our actions were “not kosher” or “uncool” in the eyes of some, our intentions were what mattered, and if they were pure there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

However it’s the times we know we were actually in the wrong that really bite. When the image of the people we imagined ourselves to be shatters to reveal replays of ugly behavior we’ve displayed, the spirit quickly sinks 20,000 leagues under. That’s when we spit out words like “just kill me” or “let me die”, or simply use our own skulls as punching bags.

I’m not gonna tell you to throw the guilt away because you’re only imagining you were in the wrong. Some like to repaint their stories and make themselves out to be the innocent victims every time. I’ve done it before – but I always found that when I was truly honest with myself, I couldn’t exempt myself from guiltiness entirely if at all.

A lie doesn’t really free you – it blinds your eyes. And while a blindfolded man may be as free as one with sight, his navigational abilities are more limited. Glossing over the details and reinterpreting the situation in your favor will only have you blundering around in the dark. And you will feel taller than you actually are, setting you up for a bigger fall when your stilts get tangled.

Where do you go then? What do we do when face-to-face with the grim truth?

My first feeling is that I deserve punishment. I have no right to live. The world would be better off without me.

Then I remember Who I’m really accountable to. I remember He loves me even if the entire human race (including me) would brand me a traitor and a villain and demand I pay. He paid that price for me, and has already forgiven everything. He’s had a plan for me since before my life even began. Where some may see a piece of living trash, He sees a beloved child. I’ll probably make more mistakes in the future and get lost in more woods, but I know He’ll guide me back home every time.

All the scornful eyes, all the judgment and branding cast on you – it will only backfire on its owners. Because those who can’t forgive won’t be forgiven.

To have someone who loves you that much, someone whose opinion is the only one that matters, who will never give up on you, who will always be there for you, who can never be separated from you even by death, who will forgive you no matter how terrible you think you are – that to me is the cure for guilt,

Because every time I remember Jesus Christ, I feel my regret and guilt washed away.

Song of the Heart

Why does the tune of the heart change so uncontrollably?

One moment a lullaby, the next moment a roar,

One moment a dirge, the next moment a jig,

Now a hymn, now an outcry, now a laugh, now a growl.

Why, O Heart, do you confuse me so?

God, fill me with love, so it will shine through no matter the tune.

When the things I hold dear begin to crumble, empower me to stay true,

And to embody love every moment, even if it would disappear from the world around me.

The Trunk, the Limb, and the Branches

Once upon a time there was a tree from which grew a single limb. The trunk and the limb loved each other greatly, and together shared the happiest existence they could ask for.

Then from the limb grew many smaller branches, who were welcomed joyfully into the family. While the branches were happy for a while, however, soon they grew discontented with being part of the tree, and broke themselves off.

In the dirt below they tried to plant themselves as their own trees, but because they had no roots they could not stay upright. They withered, unable to sustain themselves with enough water and sunlight, and animals came and chewed on them, further damaging them.

At this point many of the broken branches began calling out for help from the tree. So the trunk and the limb immediately determined to get them back. However the limb was too high above the ground to reach them.

Then the trunk came up with a plan, and told the branch what they were going to do, but it was going to be painful. The branch asked if there was any other way, but they both knew the answer, and braced themselves for the operation.

With a tremendous snap, the trunk broke the limb at the base, leaving it only barely attached. A burst of excruciating pain shook the entire tree. However the limb was now able to bend down all the way to the ground, where it could reach all the broken branches.

So all the branches that wished to return were gathered up, and fused with the limb once more, including many other sticks that wished to share their home. Then the trunk pulled the limb back up and healed its broken base, making it strong once again.

Thus the branches, the limb, and the trunk were restored to their former state, sharing blissful togetherness with one another, and they lived happily ever after.