I
wouldn’t have chosen it. At the time I felt confused, feeling
something was terribly wrong, convinced it was unfair. “Why is this
happening to me?” This question constantly plagued my heart,
fueling my anger, stoking my frustration, crushing me with despair.
Looking
back on it, though, that’s when I wonder –
Would I have been the
same person I am today if it never happened?
We
all long for Eden. We all desire peace – peace of mind, peace of
body, peace of soul. None of us knowingly choose the path of hardship
and trial. We all want to be happy, to have everything go our way, to
keep what’s precious to us safely guarded. Why wouldn’t we?
Yet
if we never new what it was to lack, to feel robbed, to experience
pain – could we ever fully appreciate what true Heaven has to
offer?
If
everything went just how we wanted from start to finish, we would
never know struggle – and we would never know just how deep and
sweet relief is. If we never had to fight for anything, how could we
be satisfied with what we earned? If we never lost anything, how
could we fully appreciate what we have? So many things we take for
granted, and their value in our minds dwindles. Yet only someone who
has lost everything can appreciate the gift of everything, which God
has promised his children. Only if we have known what it feels like
to be lost and alone can we experience the joy of being found, being
loved, belonging.
I think those with the deepest wounds are the ones
who will experience Heaven to the fullest, whose joy will be the
greatest.
But
if you chose the path of hardship I’d think there was
something wrong with you. No suffering at the time is ever enjoyable,
can ever be appreciated, much less be seen as something to thank God
for. It’s never pretty, it’s never fun.
Yet
looking back on my own hardships I will always thank God for them.
Why? Because thanks to them I won’t have lived all my life
surrounded by pillows and fluff, with everything I wanted delivered
to me on a silver platter.
Instead I will have become a fighter – a
warrior – a conqueror. A person I don’t have to be ashamed of.
The person I always wished I could be.
In
the future I know I will struggle. I will most certainly go through
more times when I want to yell, hit things, and shake my fist at God,
asking him why, with all my anger, sadness, and pain poured
into my words and actions.
But
on the day I cross to the other side, and enter the gates of paradise, I
won’t enter as one who always had it easy. I will enter as a
winner. And when I look back on the earthly life I lived, with all
its struggles and hardships, I will take a deep breath, and say,
“Thank you God, for all the suffering I went through, allowing me
to take part in Christ’s suffering, that I may follow after him and
share in his glory among the ranks of fellow Christian heroes.”
Until
the end of our hardships, then, we have to endure.
The suffering is
not because we are losing the battle. It is the battle – and in
God’s grace we will always make it through.
“Blessed
is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test,
that person will receive the crown of life the Lord has promised to
those who love him.” (James 1:12)
